Beneath the Rubble

“Finding Strength within a damaged heart is like trying to find a diamond ring beneath the rubble of a demolitioned building. Finding it may be difficult and take some time, but eventually it’ll be found. Time, Patience, and determination will allow you to find your Strength again.”

-Reana Tracy

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Out in the Crowd

A letter to my seven year old son

Dearest Logan,
As I sit watching you prepare yourself to go up to bat I wonder what you’re thinking. I wonder if you’re thinking about how nervous you are walking up to home plate with all eyes on you, I wonder if you’re thinking about your swing and how bad you want to one day hit a grand slam. Or maybe it’s simple and you’re just focused on doing your very best. Our eyes meet when you walk over to home plate, because you always glance over to make sure I’m watching. I’m watching your every move my sweet boy, I’m here out in the crowd. My heart weighs very heavy for you, I’m sorry that the past few years you’ve played baseball your dad isn’t out in the crowd cheering you on. I think about this everyday you do something amazing and I want you to know that I’m your biggest fan. I will always be the one cheering the loudest for you! If I had a foam finger to wear to the games with your name on it, you better believe I’d point that finger high. Something I would never say to you but feel so strong in my heart is: I’m sorry I picked him to be yours and Larissa’s father, I’m sorry you’re both hurt by him not being there, and I’m sorry I haven’t provided you with a male figure to look up to. I’m doing my best as a single mom and I want to choose wisely when picking a man whom you will most likely model after. I just haven’t found him yet and I’m sorry for that. I know it must be difficult for you to look to only me for guidance, I know you need more. You’re at an age where you’re trying to learn how to become a man while being raised by just your mom. I will do the best with what I have and I pray that I raise an amazing man. I will teach you how to work, I will teach you how to be kind, and I will teach you right from wrong. I will put every ounce of my heart into you like I always have and I will love you more than anything else in this world. So when you walk up to bat at your next game and look out in the crowd, I’ll be there looking back at you crossing my fingers that you one day get the chance to hit a Grand Slam. I hope that seeing me in the crowd is enough for you, I hope you’re proud to have me as a mom just like I’m proud to have you as a son. I love you more than words could ever explain and I want you to see and feel that in your heart. Now go make your dreams come true and hit that ball out of the park! I’m watching you right here out in the crowd.

Love,
Mom

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We are all the Same

We are all the same. We may come from different backgrounds, raised in a variety of environments, and taught constrastive values. Truth is: We all want the same thing… We all crave Happiness. Some travel to the ends of the Earth to try and discover it, some merge onto the wrong paths searching for it, and others sit and wait for it to find them, while an exceptional few have been dealt a great hand of cards in Life and already have it. When it is lost; we feel weak, desperate, and hopeless. When it is found; we feel strong, in charge, and on top of the world. If only happiness decided to be a long-term roommate of our lives, only then would we all be much kinder to one another. It is interesting how an emotion can have such a power over us and those around us. When Happiness is alive in us we give to others willingly, we thrive on the feeling as if it’s fuel to our soul and we need to re-fill by giving in order to shine our brightest. When happiness recedes we feel the need to receive more than give, we then feed on a dark feeling and we begin to drain our own being so much that we cling onto another only to do the same to them. By taking we feel as if the void is being filled in that moment, but you cannot fill a black hole of nothingness. We are all the same. If we woke up every single morning knowing that everyone just wants to feel that rush of being happy, would we do something about it? Would we go out of our way to do that for a complete stranger? Or are we so consumed with selfishness in finding that treasure for ourselves that we look the other way when we see another’s unhappiness? Emotional pain is one of the most difficult feelings we have within us, it changes us. It can shatter the thought of ever being happy again. We’ve all felt it, it comes in so many forms and effects us all so differently. Our emotions can overpower us or empower us, it’s up to us what we choose to do with the emotion once it has been implanted. The biggest mistake we all make is dwell on things that are no longer tangible, this creates unhappiness. In order to find happiness you MUST let go of the binding that is keeping you in the past. Most of my experiences with unhappiness are linked to regrets, holding onto the comfort of the past, and the pain others have caused me. We must let go in order to move forward or we will always be stuck in the same spot dwelling on what could’ve been. You cannot find happiness in this place you’ve been for so long, it’s time to leave. Drop the chains that your grasping on to so tightly and walk away. Learn to Forgive, if someone has broken what is left of you- it’s time to let what is still there heal the wounds. We are all the same. If there is one thing in common with us and the rest of the world, it is Emotion. So many have felt the worst of them, the best of them, and the ones in-between. Soon the climax of that emotion will fade, good emotions and bad. This is why we need to find consistency and persistence within ourselves to never give up looking for Happiness. It is hidden everywhere, for we are all the same and we will find it if we look long enough. Here’s to waking up tomorrow with a reason to become a better us, to find what we are all searching for, and to succeed in capturing the essence of Happiness. Let us begin our search now.

No Routine Equals Chaos

    Being a Single Working Mother with two children I’ve always had to be both Mom and Dad (Financially, Physically, & Mentally). Some days… (clear throat) … Everyday I am exhausted. I’ve never had an established routine of any kind for my children. Their homework would always get done, dinner was always made, and bedtime usually happened anytime between 8:30pm and 9:45pm. By the end of the night I am always left feeling overworked, mentally and physically exhausted, and there was still so many unfinished tasks to do prior to me even laying my head down. For the past few years I kept telling myself to write down a daily routine and follow it! Did I listen? No, of course not! My world was too chaotic to do something so simplistic. Also, Procrastination has ALWAYS been my biggest flaw. A lot has happen this year (another story for another time), which made me realize I have to make some changes. I have to make something I can control easy in my life. I have not been able to control things out of my hands, but I can tame the chaos that I live in. So I sat myself down today in the midst of the chaos (by chaos I mean kids running around yelling like banshees) and made myself write down a “Morning Routine” and “After School Routine” for the kids (and for my sanity). Nothing fancy, just used a sharpy pen and construction paper and hung it up on the wall. The procrastinator in me always wants everything “perfect”. My idea of a routine chart hanging in my home would consist of a hand-painted wooden plank with hooks and hand-written tags. Every routine that had been finished could then be placed on the hook labeled “finished”. This is why I don’t get anything done! Everything I do has to be so Artsy and perfect that nothing ever gets done. Not Today! I have a nice black piece of construction paper tacked to my wall (yes I used a thumb tack!) written out with a silver sharpy pen. I had no other choice, I had to change the one thing that makes me a procrastinator and that’s need for perfection. Nothing is perfect, especially once you have children you realize things fall apart and your house gets messy. So today was “Day 1” of our nightly routine, by 9:20pm I was relaxing in my living room writing, so simple. I finally had “me time”. Before (by before I mean yesterday) I would stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning just to FORCE myself to have “me time”, but it was not the least bit relaxing, I was so exhausted. I have to say the simplest task that I put off for years just saved me from going crazy. I wrote down what I expected, I verbally stated what was expected, and we followed it. No arguing-nothing. The kids even fit in some reading time before bed. While my son read I painted my daughter’s nails and while my daughter read I played Legos with my son. Quality time was spent with each kiddo without the other one fighting for my attention. There have been nights I would go to bed feeling guilty about not spending enough time with them individually, but that wasn’t the case tonight. I feel content and peaceful with the outcome so far. Tonight was a Good Night.

“Routine equals Peace ~No Routine equals Chaos”  My Goal:  Changing the Procrastinator in Me .

~Reana